I had a miscarriage

I had a miscarriage.  Those are hard words to say, and I understand why many women are afraid to say them.  A miscarriage is personal, it's emotional, and it can be private.  The reason I am choosing to share this openly and publicly is because of the number of women I know, or have met that have experienced this directly.  The statistics are baffling, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage...that is 25%.  Think about that, if you are in a room with 3 other women, according to statistics, one of you will have a miscarriage. 

I never thought I would be a part of that 25%.  I have had two healthy pregnancies, I eat healthy, exercise, avoid toxic chemicals, but it happened.  I am going to share my story so that you know this can happen to anyone and it is important to remember that many times there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. 

My husband, Chris and I have always talked about having more children. The truth is, we love being parents. But it's hard and exhausting, and a little scary to imagine going back to the newborn phase.  Things feel good right now. Stable. Easy.  We definitely were not planning on going for baby number 3, at least not at the moment.  So when I found out I was pregnant in August while on a family road trip I literally cried, and not tears of joy. I always think about that moment when I saw those two pink lines and started crying and wonder is that why I miscarried? Because I wasn't excited about being pregnant?  The doctors reassured me that my initial feelings had nothing to do with the outcome. But I can't help but wonder... 

I told Chris right away and continued crying tears of fear as he cried tears of happiness.  His excitement actually helped me.  Once I came to grasp with the fact that I was pregnant and things don't alway go as planned, I started to imagine life as a family of 5 and it made me smile.  The idea of Ella and Anna getting to be big sisters was so exciting and I began embracing the pregnancy. 

Everything was going as expected, the nausea appeared right at 6 weeks and I felt like I already had a little baby bump.  I had to travel to California for work at 8 weeks and felt pretty good while I was away.  Actually, a little too good.  I noticed the nausea was subsiding but I figured it was because I had packed enough ginger snacks and saltines to last a lifetime.  I was overly concious of making sure I wasn't getting nauseas, that I wasn't too worried.  

I returned home from California and started to get really sick, like couldn't keep anything down sick, which didn't happen with my first two pregnancies.  I ended up going to the doctor about 5 days before my initial appointment to try and get some relief.  They decided to do an ultrasound that day just to make sure everything was okay.  As soon as the doctor showed me the screen, I knew something wasn't right.  I saw a little bean on the screen, but it was so tiny.  It didn't look anything like the my first two 8 week ultrasounds.  The doctor then told me that the baby was measuring about 6 weeks when it should have been a little over 8 weeks. The doctor couldn't find the heart beat, but reassured me that my dates could be off and I would have to come back the following week for another ultrasound.  I didn't know what to do or how to react.  I was alone on the ultrasound table trying to hold back tears. My husband was working at the time so I called my mom but could barely stop crying long enough to tell her what was going on.  She was reassuring and hopeful, as was Chris, but I knew...Something just didn't seem right.  That next week was one of the longest of my life and everyone around me tried to be so positive. I remember feeling almost angry at Chris for not understanding that I knew the outcome without having to confirm it with an ultrasound.  

The final ultrasound confirmed my intuition.  I had what is called a missed miscarriage.  This happens when the fetus dies but the body doesn't recognize the pregnancy loss so therefore doesn't miscarry naturally. This explained why I was getting sick and still felt pregnant.  It is a cruel trick that your body can play. At this point, I was given four options:

1. Wait.  This would mean waiting possibly weeks for my body to expel the tissue. This to me was the last option.  I just wanted this over with. It has been a long few weeks and I felt like I needed to move on. 

2. Take medication to help my uterus contract and miscarry.  I was hesitant because this option doesn't always work.

3. D&C (dilation and curette) which is done at the hospital.  It is an outpatient procedure that is relatively quick and painless.  You are under local or twilight anesthetia and it is a minor surgery that removes the lining of your uterus. 

4. In office manual vacuum extraction. This procedure is done in the OB office and no sedation is necessary.  The procedure takes about 10 minutes but can cause discomfort.  

After weighing out the options, I chose the D&C which could be performed the next day.  I chose this option because in my mind, it would be the quickest and cause the least overall discomfort.  

Although a D&C is a relatively minor procedure, it is still surgery. I had to be at the hospital  by 6am and prepped for pre-op.  The procedure itself went smooth and I was home by noon.  The days following were okay emotionally but I still physically wasn't feeling great which is unusual.  I ended up having to go back to the doctor for another ultrasound since I was still having cramping. It turns out I had blood and clotting in my uterus which was causing cramping.  My cervix closed before my uterus could completely empty which only happens in about 5% of cases.  This was hard to digest. I remember laying in the table with my husband by my side and just crying.  I couldn't believe this ordeal wasn't over.  I so badly wanted to feel better and to move forward.  I wanted to stop telling my four year old that my tummy hurts and that is why I have to keep going to the doctor.  The doctor assured me that this would be it. I ended up having to have the vacuum extraction in office right then and there. It was definitely uncomfortable and hard to bare, but I remember telling myself that it can't be worse than childbirth (which of course it wasn't). 

The reason I am sharing this experience so openly is because through it all we heard so many stories.  Stories from friends and acquaintances that have gone through similar situations.  I think miscarriage is one of those experiences that until you go though it, you just can't understand, no matter how hard you try.  But through it all, I remain hopeful about our future and a little heavyhearted about the past.  I often find myself wondering who that baby would have been.  I have learned from this experience and although I like to control all aspects of my life, this is something that was truly up to a higher power. 

If you have a friend or family member that is going through a miscarriage here are some things I found helpful:

1. Check in.  Just send a text, phone call, or email asking how they are doing and that you are thinking about them.  That little bit goes a long way.

2. Send a card.  One of my most thoughtful friends sent a card and it put a smile on my face.

3. Send flowers.  A group of my closest friends sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers that were delivered to my house.  It brightened up our day.

4. Ask if they need to talk. Most likely the answer will be no, but knowing that there is a listening ear is always a help. 

5. Share this blog post.  It is so important that women understand they are not alone when they go through this. 

I think we are often afraid to say the wrong thing, but just letting that person know you're thinking of them means the world.